My English life

   When we came into the church I felt a lot of energy around me. I was like in a microwawe oven, where invisible energy went through me. It was a very spiritual place. In a corner there was a little table, where you could write down what you wanted help for. At that time, I felt quite tired being on the move all the time and I asked God where I should settle down. I wrote down the question: “Dear God, where will I settle down? I feel homeless.”

    I walked into the room of Magna Charta och forgot about my prayer.I mean, God is a busy person and an “answer” might take some time, eh? It was just Christopher, me and another tourist browsing around. It was quiet and peacefull: it was late afternoon and the cathedral was heading for its closing time. Suddenly I heard the sound of bird wings high up under the ceiling. I didn´t look up, I thought it was a pigeon that had made a mistake and had entered the building and was looking for a place to sit. I continued to walk, looking around, reading words from the Magna Charta displayed in front of me and so on. The sound got more intense and seemed to descend. It even seemed to descend towards me and I thought: the bird will try to land on my head! I looked up to get out its way, but there was no bird there. The sound stopped as I looked up and a voice broke out of “nothing”, like a invisible loud-speaker, and an older Enligh male voice said: “You are at home everywhere, my child”.

   I started to cry, first I took it so naturally: I cried for knowing that I would probably feel a bit of a stranger where ever I walked on earth. Then I cried for getting an answer so directly and that someone really loved me somewhere and saw me as his child. I havn´t felt much loved on earth, I can say. My childhood years have caused me much suffering and with my open personality, I take everything on board; the suffering of others, the need to help, the panic of not being able to save someone. A feeling of  being very responsible for making other people happy, have followed me through my years. I feel like I carry the sad world inside me, like an aching bomb that I must try to dismantle, before people turn on each other, out of so much inner pain. I have tried many therapies and bit by bit I have cleansed myself as much as I can and come to turns with my past.